Purgatory – Without
by starshwer
Summary: Cas says he can get the door open, but it's going to be months before Dean can forgive himself for not seeing what was coming. Spoilers for S7 and S8 spoiler clip.


**Title:** Purgatory – Without  
**Author:** starshwer  
**Pairing:** Dean/Castiel  
**Rating:** PG-13 (for language)  
**Word count:** 981  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Everything through Season 7, AND the Season 8 spoilers.

**Summary:** Cas says he can get the door open, but it's going to be months before Dean can forgive himself for not seeing what was coming.  
**Disclaimer:** The characters aren't mine, and I am DYING to watch the Season 8 premiere tonight.  
**A/N**: A ficlet based on Purgatory. Source of inspiration is at the end.

**-Without-**

Cas is looking grim. Well, Dean amends that thought in his head, Cas is looking grimmer than usual. He's guessing whatever idea Cas has had was not what he was looking for. Or perhaps hoping for. But Cas, grim as ever, tells him and Benny that he's figured it out. He knows how to open the door Benny's been haunting for the past 150 years. If Benny can do the ritual, Cas can keep the door open enough for them to slip out. Months later Dean will think back on this conversation and note Cas' use of language. "If the ritual is successful, I can open the door wide enough." Dean will note how it should have been a telling moment for him. He should have seen what was coming. But right now, in this dark place, it's just a glimmer of hope. Benny is of course distrustful, and Cas reassures him that it's merely a question of power. "I just have to take in enough souls," he explains, "to crack the door open. I am an angel of the Lord after all." Dean snorts at the phrasing but concedes that it sounds like a plan.

So they continue on, Cas collects his souls, Dean and Benny collect their supplies, and finally it's time. Everything seems to go as planned until Cas releases the souls. Dean is forcibly reminded of the last time Cas contained souls from Purgatory, and he spends an agonizing moment remembering Cas being taken over by Leviathans. Then the door is open and Benny is running through and Dean is right behind him, until he realizes Cas is down on one knee behind him. "Cas!" The angel merely looks up at him, "Dean go!" But Dean can't and instead he finds himself running back to his friend's side, grasping an elbow, "Cas, we have to go, now!"

Cas shakes his head and Dean realizes this is nothing like last time. This isn't just souls, this is Cas' grace.

Cas pushes him away, "I'll be right behind you."

"Cas-"

"Go! And don't look back."

Dean crashes to the ground and Cas' grace explodes behind him.

It's just hours later after falling into a fitful doze in the backseat of a stolen car with Benny asleep in the front seat that Dean will find out that Cas was in fact right behind him. Jimmy Novak's body though is a whole 'nother story. In the dream Dean is running through Purgatory, being chased by an unseen monster. It surprises Dean how unconcerned he is about the situation. The adrenaline is there, as always, but he's done this so many times that it's common place. His heart beating harder, his breath coming quicker is just part of daily life. He makes it back to the cave they called 'home' and Cas is there, waiting. He's relieved that Cas isn't still out where it's dangerous, but it's all so normal for the past year that he thinks nothing of the fact that Cas is back in his suit and his trench coat is no longer wrecked. He flops down on the hard ground, "Where've you been?"

Cas just stand there silently.

"Cas?" Dean looks over at him trying to place why he looks so different. "Wait-"

Cas' head bows, "Have you figured out what happened yet, Dean?"

"What'd ya mean? Why are you wearing a suit?"

"We escaped from Purgatory, Dean."

"Hold on," Dean sits up. "No, you weren't behind me. I hit the ground, there was an explosion and when Benny and I looked you weren't around. It was just us."

Cas shifts uncomfortably, "It would seem that the souls I contained were not enough alone to open the door. The process required some of my grace as well."

Dean freezes, "What does that mean?"

"It means that my grace was forcibly expelled from my vessel. This form," he gestures down at himself, "could not survive and was destroyed in the process."

"Which means…?"

"Which means, I am currently without a vessel."

Dean processes this, "So you're in your true form."

"Yes."

"Which means you can't even talk to me."

Cas seems to pause, "It would appear that I can still enter your dreams."

"But out there," Dean gestures, his movements becoming slightly wild, "out there in the real world, in the world where it _matters_ if you appear to me it'll kill me. If you try to talk to me it blows the windows out of the building."

Cas shifts again, "Yes."

The truth sinks in, "You knew. You _fucking_ _knew_ this would happen!"

"Dean-"

"No!" Dean stands and paces a moment, "This is unacceptable. You'll just have to find another vessel."

Cas' mouth twitches, "The possibility of me finding a suitable and willing vessel is…"

"Is what?"

"Unlikely."

"Unlikely?"

"Very unlikely in your lifetime."

"So this is it?"

Cas' hands sink into his pockets and he merely shrugs.

Dean rubs a hand across his face, "This is…not okay."

Cas stands there in silence, just watching him. Looking apologetic, and tired, and hurt, and Dean acts. He crosses the space between them and kisses Cas full on the mouth. It's crushing and hard and desperate and for a split second Dean thinks that this will work. He can get through life only seeing the angel in dreams, but then the truth rolls back around. He knows this isn't real, and Cas knows it too. They pull apart knowing dreams are no substitute for real life. For real conversation, real touch, real experience. Dean wakes up as a semi passes the car, illuminating the inside, and his heart sinks. So this is it.

Months later Dean will reflect back on that moment. He will wonder if it was worth it. Was getting out of Purgatory truly worth a life of not being able to talk to, interact with, _be_ _with_ Cas?

**A/N:**

This fic was totally inspired by this comment:

"man there is just this one theory that i don't necessarily think anything will come of on the show but that i love to think about because i do like a little bittersweetness in my otp that Cas _did_ get out of purgatory with Dean, so to speak, but that he is not in his vessel. i've seen great and delicious theories about_ Dean_ temporarily housing Cas, but idk, as much as i _desperately want that fi_c, in the show that would require a significant amount of retconning vessel canon that i don't know the writers would care to go to the trouble to do. also, Dean and Cas could, in theory, converse with each other at the very least: not angsty enough!

because what if Cas is _out_, but entirely _vessel-less_. by "let go" Dean means that in every sense, untethered. and we know that without a vessel Cas is as much divorced from Dean as he could be if he _was_ completely absent, because they can't interact safely at all. maybe Dean doesn't even _know_ Cas is present, just that the last he saw of him, he went supernova. _"I saw enough"."_

dirtyovercoats-dot-tumblr-dot-com/post/31958302395/man-there-is-just-this-one-theory-that-i-dont

If you look for me on tumblr I'm under [blog/flatbreadgod]


End file.
